Menu + / Menu -

Solutions to those everyday problems...


How to...
..get very, very drunk at the wrong time and the wrong place - MB Also known as how not to impress your girlfriend's *(see note) parents.
..reduce apparent travelling time by sleeping - DP
..dry shoes with a lit can of deodorant - PJ
..mend a shower by cutting the end off - PJ
..hide keys by putting them in THE OTHER POCKET - DP
..apply pressure to the head to relieve headache - EP
..discourage amourous members of the opposite sex (That's nice) - DP
..relive stress caused by members of the opposite sex - PJ

At many UK Universities F.A.F.F.Y. is an abbreviation for F*** A Fanciable First Year (NOTE: in USA FAFF, F*** A Fanciable Freshman/Fresher).It can also stand for:
Find A Fanciable First Year
Find A Fanciable Fird (third) Year
(Any other suggestions, please mail me, subject heading 'FAFFY'.)

Weirdfest is a word I started to use 2 years ago to try and classify the strange people and activities they get upto, especially in the first few weeks of the first term.
Three members of Negative IQ have FAFFY T-shirts, all of which have faffy the cat on them (below). Mark has "F.A.F.F.Y. AT THE WEIRDFEST", Paul has "F.A.F.F.Y. '97, BEEN THERE HAD ONE" and David has "F.A.F.F.Y. '97, BEEN THERE, GOT THE T-SHIRT!".

And here he is, FAFFY THE CAT:

Top of page

How to carry out some very inappropriate behaviour
Also known as how not to impress your girlfriend's *(see note) parents.
All I did was drink lots and lots and lots and lots of booze. As far as I can remember (and have been told) I drank 4 Pimms & lemonade, a few bottles of beer, and FOUR bottles of wine. OOPS!!!
Obviously I was sick, and unfortunately I was sick on the hall carpet in Fiona's parent's house, as I could not get to the toilet fast enough.
I take this opportunity to appologise to all persons at that gathering for my behaviour.

How to reduce apparent travelling time by sleeping
On arriving at Alton Towers (an excellent theme park), David announced that the journey didn't take that long and that we should do it more often. He did not know that we had spent 2 hours in slow moving traffic while he was sleeping.

How to dry shoes with a lit can of deodorant
One day, after getting muddy shoes on the way home from uni, Paul decided to clean them. Unfortunately he tried to save some time. He washed off the mud using the shower, and ended up with some clean but very wet shoes. Most people would have left them to dry overnight, but not Paul.
He took a can of deodorant (you know, one of the aerosol cans with butane as the propellant) and sprayed it into one of the shoes. A match was then produced, lit and then dropped into the shoe full of butane. This promptly erupted into flames, and had to be stamped out by me, as Paul obviously did not have his shoes on.

Top of page

How to mend a shower by cutting the end off
The shower in the uni accommodation was quite a good one, with a reasonable amount of water pressure. However, it had obviously seen better days, and the hose leading upto the shower head began to split slightly where it joined the head. It must be said at this time that it worked perfectly if you kept your finger over the hole when you were using it.
Paul stated that all he needed to do was to cut the end off, and re-attach the hose to the shower had after it had been made straight. Paul cut the end off, only to find that the hose could not be re-attached as it needed a moulded end. Not to be outdone, Paul aquired some silicon sealing gel and applied it liberaly around the joint to seal it.
It lasted around two days, at which point we made him call the university maintainence office so that they could come and replace the entire unit.

How to hide keys by putting them in THE OTHER POCKET
David spent two days looking for his keys, and searched the entire house. Not having his keys meant he could only come home if someone else was in, as he would not have been able to get in the front door.
He eventually found them in the OTHER pocket of the trousers he had been wearing all of the time, declaring that he didn't usually put them in that pocket so it had not occured to him to check it.

Top of page

How to apply pressure to the head to relieve headache
Eric, on declaring that he had a headache, said he needed to apply pressure to his head to stop the pain. He took the ring from under our wok (which keeps it from being to near the heat, preventing burning), and wedged it onto his head, making him look decidedly stupid. He took it of after a few minutes as it was not helping.

How to discourage amourous members of the opposite sex (That's nice)
This is something which will haunt David forever. After being in a nightclub (ok, so it was only the Hippodrome in Colchester) for only around an hour (i.e. most people are relatively sober), an attractive young lady approaches him from behind. At this point he was standing talking to Paul and drinking a pint.
She takes hold of his bottom, and he obviously swings around. She looks him straight in the eye from only a few inches away, and says the words "I really fancy you". Dave replies with the uninspired reply of "Mmmm, that's nice", turns back around and continues to talk to Paul.
David is now reminded of this at every possible opportunity so that he never makes the same mistake again.
You may be wondering what happened to the woman. Well, she returned to her friends, but was still alone at the end of the evening.

How to relive stress caused by members of the opposite sex
As far as I remember (please correct me if I am wrong) one evening, Paul got very stressed about a woman (and her boyfriend). While watching TV and trying to convince us he was over her, he gradually snapped this innocent teaspoon into three pieces. A ruler is shown for scale. On the same evening he smashed a light switch after "just touching it". Yeah Paul, we believe you.

This occurred in April, and Fiona-Ann and I did not start dating until 6:04am on 12th June 1998 (approximately), although we had been good friends for nearly three years. This is how we (Paul, David and I) were at her 21st birthday party in the first place.
I should also note that the party was a combined 21st and 18th, for Fiona and Alison (Fiona's cousin), at Alisons house (garden).
back to story